Finding Meaning During COVID-19 Epidemic
Scott Berinato interviewed David Kessler one of the “world’s foremost experts on grief” for the Harvard Business Review about the “collective grief” we all are feeling as the COVID-19 pandemic continues. Here is what stood out to me and our how-to for coping with grief and anxiety through empowerment. (The article is a great read, here is a link.)
Kessler explains we are all experiencing a collective loss because the future will be different but, we are unsure exactly how it will be different and the wait is what’s most challenging. We know there is a loss of “normalcy”,” fear of economic toll”, and “loss of connection”, this pandemic touches everything. But there is “anticipatory” grief which is, “...the feeling we get about what the future holds when we’re uncertain.” He continues, “Anticipatory grief is also more broadly imagined futures. There is a storm coming. There’s something bad out there. … Our primitive mind knows something bad is happening, but you can’t see it. This breaks our sense of safety. We’re feeling that loss of safety.”
Those words, we are feeling is “the loss of safety” strikes me as the hardest part of this pandemic. Anticipating the future to protect ourselves is healthy; plan and prepare, then adapt. But what happens when you no longer have any control over influencing the outcome? Helplessness.
What do you do? You still plan and prepare but, you look for coping mechanisms to help you feel empowered in the present. You let go of what you can’t control, grieve, and find meaning and purpose. You remain gentle and respectful with yourself and others as you navigate uncharted territory.
Focus on the things you still have control of
Ruminating on what has been taken away can leave you feeling scared and unprotected. But focusing on what choices you still have can leave you empowered. Begin to look at small and material areas of your life that you can make a decision.
It feels silly at first because most of us make these types of decisions on autopilot. Your morning routine, your evening walk, etc. But recognizing these definitive choices you are making today can alleviate the loss of control you are experiencing. COVID-19 may have taken a lot, but not everything!
Focusing on where you still have control can also lead to tremendous gratitude for all the areas of your life that are not affected. Kurt Vonnegut’s quote never felt more apt. “Enjoy the little things in life because one day you`ll look back and realize they were the big things.”
Example of simple things to focus on
Morning Routine
What time do you wake up?
What do you do before you get out of bed; gratitude journal, meditation, prayer?
Are you going to make your bed?
Are you going to dress formally or informally?
Evening walk
Do you walk alone?
Do you walk leisurely or at a fast pace?
Do you walk on a regular path or set on a new adventure?
The News
Do you watch/read/listen to the news?
Do you only care about local or regional or world news?
How much do you consume?
What can you do to help?
Can you donate time/money/your knowledge?
Is now the time you get to know your neighbors?
Set a goal, give yourself something to look forward to
Currently, most of us are living in limbo not knowing what the future holds, good or bad. To bring us back to the present and remain optimistic about the future, try setting a small goal that will give you a sense of accomplishment.
Here’s why that helps, first it puts your brain in the present moment, something that may be difficult as you try to anticipate the future. Second, it gives you a routine. Third, you feel like you can accomplish something, that releases feel-good neurotransmitters. Fourth, it will increase your self-efficacy and thereby increasing your confidence in your ability to handle our stress. You will make it through this and you’ll come out stronger. Literally.
What kind of goals should you set? Set goals that are external, measurable, recordable, slightly easy to accomplish. Personally, I would refrain from setting goals that require a lot of mental energy or drastic new habits (but if you are so inclined, go for it!) because the pandemic is requiring a lot of energy decreasing our willpower. You want your goal(s) that are going to make you feel good, accomplished so you can get all of the benefits.
Ideas for goals
Ten pushups, increasing by one everyday
Speed walk for 25 minutes
Learn to master a new recipe
Take on a new craft, like knitting or stitching
Drink a gallon of water everyday for a month (your skin will look so good)
Find Meaning and Purpose
You can be empowered and set goals but, you still may have to work through grief. I would challenge you to embrace that there is grief instead of avoiding it. Grief is natural and offers an opportunity to commit to what matters to us.
Kessler shares six stages (the article does a fantastic job at making those stages applicable for the pandemic) of grief, the final being meaning. The philosophy of finding meaning in adversity was first introduced by the great psychologist Viktor Frankl. He said on the search for meaning:
“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”
How do you find your meaning? There are several exercises. Most of them require you to imagine yourself somewhere in the future and reflect on what your life was all about? What was it a testament to; hope, love, community? What does your life represent? Below are questions you can ask yourself and a couple of exercises. As you answer these questions, go slowly and deep in your heart. This is your life, how you live is your testament.
Here a couple of questions
What brings you security?
What makes you feel connected and heard?
What do you want the future to look like?
What does love, hope, and creation look like?
Can you ask for help or give help, freely?
Exercise one
Imagine yourself telling future generations about COVID-19. What did you learn? How did the community come together? What mattered most to you? As you answer these questions let it guide you through actions of today.
Exercise two
Another exercise made famous by Steve Jobs, is to look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “If today were the last day of your life, would you want to be doing what you're doing?” Think long term, what do you want to be remembered for?
Final thoughts
Oftentimes when we are experiencing adversity we feel alone in our struggle and pain. I can assure you no matter where you are, no matter what your pain, you are not alone. We are all feeling this “collective grief”. Words may or may not momentarily assuage the seemingly relentless heaviness of this time, but I want to assure you that we will get through this, that you will get through this.
*Image by Nick Scheerbart